It has been a while since I actually sat down and wrote a blog post. Things have been....difficult. Dealing with life has been....difficult. Having the energy to get up out of bed has been....difficult. Being able to function during the day has been....difficult. So basically, life has been difficult.
I have lived with an invisible illness for over half my life. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16. Anxiety and insomnia came along in my early adult life—both worsening over the years. I have had my ups and downs with my depression. Insomnia has never been fun, especially when I was working a 9 to 5 job. The anxiety has been up and down as well. At one point, when Brian worked the overnight shift, we bought a futon so I can sleep downstairs with the dogs because I was so freaked out that someone would break in and I wouldn't hear it if I slept in our bedroom. Even with the security of two dogs-one of them really territorial and protective- I was convinced that someone was going to murder me in my sleep. I went over all the rational counterarguments in my head. Patches would bark to alert me. The imaginative intruder would hear the deep barks of the dogs and scarper. Better yet, even if the intruder managed to get passed the dogs, if they were intent on harming me, they would harm me regardless if Brian was there or not. I mean, what is to stop them from harming both me and Brian? But Anxious Ashley is anything but rational. Once the thought was set in my head, there was nothing that could be said to change it. I finally bit the bullet and talked to my doctor and fun game of Medicine Roulette, I finally found a care plan that works for me. I am on some crazy medications (literally. One of my meds is an anti-psychotic), but I am sleeping regularly, the anxiety is in, more or less, controlled, and the depression in better. I am able to function. My immune system seemed to reset and I'm not as sick as I usually get. I have also decided to be more open and honest with my depression because there is nothing to be ashamed of. I have been all the better for it. However.....
Now that I have my mental health as in control as it can me, I decided to tackle my physical health. Thyroid, blood sugar, vitamin D, all that fun stuff. Also my weight. But I have been having issues with my back and the sciatic nerve. It is very difficult for me to actually exercise because my lower back flairs, the nerve freaks out, and I can't walk. I decided to talk to my new doctor about it. We had to switch to Kaiser due to rising insurance cost. Yay. I have to be referred for everything, which I hate, and I asked to be referred to a chiropractor. My doctor isn't too quick to send clients to chiropractors. Honestly, I think she just doesn't like them. Before we did anything, she needed to see what was going on with my back. She ordered an MRI and start PT and go from there. We won't talk about the MRI. That was a level of hell I never want to visit again. The results came back and...I'll admit....I was really shocked. It was way worse than we initially thought. I have two prolapsed discs, one about to go, two major nerves are being pinched at the root, osteoarthritis in the facets of two discs, and my muscles surrounding the area are on the ridiculous side of tense. Since those results, I am very restricted on things I can and can't do. The list is extensive. I can't exercise only walk, but I can't walk for long periods of time with out having frequent rests. I can't lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I have to avoid stairs as much as possible. Be careful when standing. Be careful when sitting. Be careful when driving and going over potholes or speed bumps. I can't go on road trips. Can't walk my dog. I can't play with my dog. I can't do this. I can't do that. No. No. No. No. If it puts any amount of strain on my back, I can't do it. I can't do anything. Everything I love to do, I can't do it anymore. And it sucks. It sucks big hairy balls. My doc put me on predisone for a week as well as muscle relaxants. That crap knocked me for a loop. The extreme highs and extreme lows from the steroid was something I never, ever, want to experience again. To top that off, I am on a muscle relaxer. Combined with my meds....oof.
I spent a week trying to deal with this. And it may not seem like a big deal to some, but it is. It really is. My doctor is 88% sure this is going to end in surgery. On my spine. I know modern medicine can take care of all that fairly easily. Hell, my baby sister recently had surgery on her spine and recovered fine. But having an issue like this, with that solution on the horizon, you can imagine how well Anxious Ashley is taking this news. Every scenario has been spinning through my head, compounded by the prednisone. I finally talked to Husband. He knew I was really bothered by this, but he didn't want to press the issue. He knew I needed time to process. I ended up breaking down. Like really breaking down.
I hate this. I really hate this. I hate the uncertainty of the future. For the first time, I can't see past this problem. If a friend has an issue, I can see a path and help them do what they need to do to get there. I can talk them through it. You have a problem? Okay. Step one, we do this. Step two, we move on to this. So on and so forth until the solution is at hand. But this? I can't see past it. I'm caught at this moment. I don't know what to do. I can't plan past this. I am lost and I don't know what to do. Added to that, I have never had this many restrictions as to what I can and cannot do. At least long term restrictions and by long term, I mean a couple of years. I can't do anything that could maybe possibly hurt my back. I can't walk my dog. I love taking Abby to the park and I can't. I have to ask for help for anything that is remotely heavy. I can't even carry my groceries in the house. It sucks and this hurts and I don't know how I deal with a physical disability. I have been very blessed in this life with no issues. But now.... I know, in the grand scheme of things, this is fairly minor, but it isn't minor to me. I am a very independent person and I can't put on a freaking bra if my back is acting up. I just.....
Not dealing well. I just feel helpless and I hate this feeling.
Thankfully, I have a great husband. He listened and helped me to see past this. We kinda have a plan. I'm trying and that is all I can do right now. I'm not talking about this to get pity or attention, I'm using this forum as a way to vent and process. Now that the prednisone is working itself out of my body, I'm feeling better. I have a bit more energy. I will get there. It will take time, but I have a good support network. That is all I can ask for.
I have lived with an invisible illness for over half my life. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16. Anxiety and insomnia came along in my early adult life—both worsening over the years. I have had my ups and downs with my depression. Insomnia has never been fun, especially when I was working a 9 to 5 job. The anxiety has been up and down as well. At one point, when Brian worked the overnight shift, we bought a futon so I can sleep downstairs with the dogs because I was so freaked out that someone would break in and I wouldn't hear it if I slept in our bedroom. Even with the security of two dogs-one of them really territorial and protective- I was convinced that someone was going to murder me in my sleep. I went over all the rational counterarguments in my head. Patches would bark to alert me. The imaginative intruder would hear the deep barks of the dogs and scarper. Better yet, even if the intruder managed to get passed the dogs, if they were intent on harming me, they would harm me regardless if Brian was there or not. I mean, what is to stop them from harming both me and Brian? But Anxious Ashley is anything but rational. Once the thought was set in my head, there was nothing that could be said to change it. I finally bit the bullet and talked to my doctor and fun game of Medicine Roulette, I finally found a care plan that works for me. I am on some crazy medications (literally. One of my meds is an anti-psychotic), but I am sleeping regularly, the anxiety is in, more or less, controlled, and the depression in better. I am able to function. My immune system seemed to reset and I'm not as sick as I usually get. I have also decided to be more open and honest with my depression because there is nothing to be ashamed of. I have been all the better for it. However.....
Now that I have my mental health as in control as it can me, I decided to tackle my physical health. Thyroid, blood sugar, vitamin D, all that fun stuff. Also my weight. But I have been having issues with my back and the sciatic nerve. It is very difficult for me to actually exercise because my lower back flairs, the nerve freaks out, and I can't walk. I decided to talk to my new doctor about it. We had to switch to Kaiser due to rising insurance cost. Yay. I have to be referred for everything, which I hate, and I asked to be referred to a chiropractor. My doctor isn't too quick to send clients to chiropractors. Honestly, I think she just doesn't like them. Before we did anything, she needed to see what was going on with my back. She ordered an MRI and start PT and go from there. We won't talk about the MRI. That was a level of hell I never want to visit again. The results came back and...I'll admit....I was really shocked. It was way worse than we initially thought. I have two prolapsed discs, one about to go, two major nerves are being pinched at the root, osteoarthritis in the facets of two discs, and my muscles surrounding the area are on the ridiculous side of tense. Since those results, I am very restricted on things I can and can't do. The list is extensive. I can't exercise only walk, but I can't walk for long periods of time with out having frequent rests. I can't lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I have to avoid stairs as much as possible. Be careful when standing. Be careful when sitting. Be careful when driving and going over potholes or speed bumps. I can't go on road trips. Can't walk my dog. I can't play with my dog. I can't do this. I can't do that. No. No. No. No. If it puts any amount of strain on my back, I can't do it. I can't do anything. Everything I love to do, I can't do it anymore. And it sucks. It sucks big hairy balls. My doc put me on predisone for a week as well as muscle relaxants. That crap knocked me for a loop. The extreme highs and extreme lows from the steroid was something I never, ever, want to experience again. To top that off, I am on a muscle relaxer. Combined with my meds....oof.
I spent a week trying to deal with this. And it may not seem like a big deal to some, but it is. It really is. My doctor is 88% sure this is going to end in surgery. On my spine. I know modern medicine can take care of all that fairly easily. Hell, my baby sister recently had surgery on her spine and recovered fine. But having an issue like this, with that solution on the horizon, you can imagine how well Anxious Ashley is taking this news. Every scenario has been spinning through my head, compounded by the prednisone. I finally talked to Husband. He knew I was really bothered by this, but he didn't want to press the issue. He knew I needed time to process. I ended up breaking down. Like really breaking down.
I hate this. I really hate this. I hate the uncertainty of the future. For the first time, I can't see past this problem. If a friend has an issue, I can see a path and help them do what they need to do to get there. I can talk them through it. You have a problem? Okay. Step one, we do this. Step two, we move on to this. So on and so forth until the solution is at hand. But this? I can't see past it. I'm caught at this moment. I don't know what to do. I can't plan past this. I am lost and I don't know what to do. Added to that, I have never had this many restrictions as to what I can and cannot do. At least long term restrictions and by long term, I mean a couple of years. I can't do anything that could maybe possibly hurt my back. I can't walk my dog. I love taking Abby to the park and I can't. I have to ask for help for anything that is remotely heavy. I can't even carry my groceries in the house. It sucks and this hurts and I don't know how I deal with a physical disability. I have been very blessed in this life with no issues. But now.... I know, in the grand scheme of things, this is fairly minor, but it isn't minor to me. I am a very independent person and I can't put on a freaking bra if my back is acting up. I just.....
Not dealing well. I just feel helpless and I hate this feeling.
Thankfully, I have a great husband. He listened and helped me to see past this. We kinda have a plan. I'm trying and that is all I can do right now. I'm not talking about this to get pity or attention, I'm using this forum as a way to vent and process. Now that the prednisone is working itself out of my body, I'm feeling better. I have a bit more energy. I will get there. It will take time, but I have a good support network. That is all I can ask for.
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