So 2013. I can't believe that another year has passed. It seemed to go by so quickly this time around. I know that time is relative, but some years seem to drag by and others are gone before you can blink. For me, this was a year of change in several aspects of my life. In Janurary of this year I hit the 29 mark and the Husband hit 30. I know we are still young and all that jazz, but it was a little bit of a wake up call for me. I was not where I wanted to be weight and health wise, or mentally. I needed a change. A big one. I just didn't know where to begin. It was a daunting task. I decided to take it month by month to see where it went.




January- As with pretty much everyone, I made resolutions at the beginning of the year.

1. Loose weight

2. Go to the doctor office for a checkup

3. Get my depression under control.




It was a rough start to my year. Though I made those resolutions, I didn't know where to start. My depression took a really bad turn and I spent a few weeks in bed. It was rough. I had no energy and no will power to do anything. It wasn't until March that I began to pull out of the cycle. Husband celebrated his 30th birthday. It was rather odd to think that we are in that age bracket now. That is the cut off for maturity, in my opinion. You can do stupid crap in your twenties, but when you hit the thirty mark, it is time to grow up and get your shit together. There is not excuse to still act like a dumb ass. Husband's party was small and intimate. He just wanted hamburgers, hot dogs, and chocolate cake. That was easy. We nvited his family to my mother's home and had a small get together. It was nice.




I started walking in the nice weather and lost a good twenty pounds. That was exciting. Summer started to creep in and we spent more time out doors, hiking with the dogs and going on peaceful walks. Husband was working on losing weight as well. Things were going wonderfully. With the sun, comes the rain. Patches suffered a hip injury. We don't know what happened, We had him on rest. He was getting better. One day, he was coming back in the house and Abby jumped on his back on accident. He went down and started howling in pain. The vet still thought it was a hip injury. The one morning he lost the ability to use his hind legs and he completley incontinent. We called the vet and they told us to bring him in. He had a lower back injury and it was leaking spinal fluid. The fluid started to calcify which caused him to be paralized from the hips down. I knew on the way there. I just knew it was going to be bad and I had this feeling that the outcome was going to be bad. I was right. The vet took a look at his record and what was wrong. I could tell by the look on her face what she was going to say. Patches was a nine year old dog and there was a $5000 surgery that had a very slim chance of working with a very long recovery time, during which his quality of life would be incredibly poor. He would be in constant pain. If he were under five, I would have fought, but the vet was right, the humane thing to do would be to put him to sleep, and that is what we did. Signing that paperwork was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It was quick and quiet and he died in our arms with us telling him that we loved him. He was an abuse case that we fostered and adopted when he was just under a year old. He became my therapy dog and my best friend. I had to do right by him. I went through everything for the next few weeks wondering what we could have done differently, but there was nothing. I didn't want to be one of those owners that keep their animals in misery for months or years because they do not want to let go. It wouldn't have been fair. He was a husky mix, heavy on the husky, and if we had kept him, he would have been locked up all the time pooping and peeing all over himself and in pain. I could not do that to him. After everything he had done for me, I could not let him suffer. The staff at my vet, Pender in Fairfax, Va, was amazing. They did a wonderful job helping us and even sent us a sympathy card. We had Patches cremated and his ashes are sitting on my dresser in a beautiful wooden box.




So, after that happened, I fell of the grid for a while. I needed to mourn and I didn't want anyone in my bubble of misery. I'm thankful to my family and my two best friends, Springfield and Fayetteville, for giving me the space that I needed and being there when I needed it. The months that followed passed in a blurr. I wasn't until mid August that I started to see the light again. I picked up crocheting and knitting to keep me busy during the time I was mouring. I needed something that would help me forget and to keep me focused. I decided to make my first blanket for my friend who had a baby. My mother and her fiance, Liverpool, were getting married on September 1st, and needed help with the crafty stuff. So in the midst of a fog from the meds and pain from getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I went to help.The wedding was wonderful. It was full of friends, joy, and happiness. I'm very happy for my mom. Sir Step Dad is amazing. It is rather funny, it was the wedding that made me really get on the ball with my weight loss that I had been telling myself I needed to do. I was looking at the wedding photos and I looked like a happy heifer. Seriously. I was huge. It was then that I decided that I was tired of being the fat sister. Yeah. Enough was enough. I decided that I needed help so I joined a gym in October.




In the past I had problems with gyms. I hated the big gyms. I was told by a skinny bitch to get off the treadmill because she wanted to use it. She told me that I was too fat the be at the gym and to go back to my couch and junk food. Ever since then, I stayed away from them. I was loath to join another. But a friend of mine in Writer's Group, told me about a local gym called Elements. It was a women's only gym and catered to women of all shapes, sizes and ages. It was a smaller place. So I went and took the tour. I was hooked. So I joined and I'm glad I did. The people are really nice. The classes are amazing. I have a personal trainer that hold me accountable for my workouts. It is wonderful.




October brought another change for me. While the gym was a great move I the right direction, I needed to get a handle on my depression. I had not needed to be medicated since we adopted Patches. He was my therapy dog. Since he was gone, I knew it was going to be a really rough year. So I went to the doctor. I'm on meds for anxiety and insomnia. They are really rough, but hey, we are working on it. I also went to get a full psych evaluation to help with the diagnosis. It cracks me up that the meds I am taking are actually anti-psychotics. In the higher doses, they are used to treat schizophrenia. I find that funny. I also had a full health check and blood panel. I have slight cholesterol issues, but they are managable. My personal trainer is helping me with better diet choices and exercises that help with it. So, I'm on the road to getting healthy.




November was dedicated to one thing. NaNoWriMo. This is the second year that I actually stayed and completed it. I was early this year as well! My story came out of no where and new characters randomly appeared. It was amazing. We were able to do an overnight writing session at the Ashburn Library. It was awesome. By the deadline, I made it over the 50K mark. I had to stop to do Christmas crafts.




The holidays were wonderful. I had a great time with my family. Abby was able to go with us. We don't leave her much any longer since Patches passed. She went through a hard time with the loss. It broke my heart.




So that is that. I'm here spending new year's with my best gal pals, Springfield and Fayetteville, who is sick with a stomach bug we brought with us. Oops. Here is to a new year. I don't know what the future has in store. I'm not one to say “out with the old, in with the new.” That quote doesn't make sense to me. If you didn't change a thing last year, you aren't going to change this year either. Sheesh. I wish everyone enough. I wish them enough joy, enough love, enough patience, enough peace, to make them happy.




To those who want to change this year, take a look in the mirror. That is your competition. If you want to lose weight, then get up and do it. If you want to organize you house. Get up and do it. If you want to be a published author, then get up and write. You are the only obstacle that you have. To quote a song “You gotta work, bitch.”




Oh, and to the stupid bitch who told me that depression wasn't a real condition and that I was only using it as a crutch to make people feel sorry for me, here is a big fuck you, you lonely bitter person. Depression is a medical condition. Do you really think I choose to be sad? That I choose to have days where I can't even get out of bed? I can't just stop being sad. You, are a bitch. Thank you that is all.







Happy New Year everyone! I hope it is a blast!

Greetings from North Carolina! I'm here visiting a friend with a friend. The house is a beautiful chaos. (Isn't that a book title?) The children are all crazy and running around with the exception of the newly turned teenager who is acting like....well a teenager. 

So I have a new computer. I'm still getting used to it. It is an Asus X200ca. Touch screen and all that jazz. It is neat and works for what I need it to do. The touch screen is sensitive and I think I need to change that, if I can. I dowloaded LibreOffice and I love it so much more than Microsoft Office. It is really user friendly. The mouse pad is really sensitive as well and I keep getting suck in full screen and have to F11 myself back. That is driving me nuts. It doesn't have a CD drive, but that is okay because I barely used the one I had in my old computer. I don't really play PC games other than Elder Scrolls IV and that I play through Steam. The only thing that is going to drive me absolutely crazy is the smudge marks on the touch screen. It bothers me with my iPod, my Kindle and now this. I'm going to have to keep the cloth I used to clean my glasses near by so I can clean it if I need to. I still have to transfer my files from my old computer to my new one. Thankfully, my friend has an external hard drive that she is letting me use so that I do not have to buy a new one. That is a plus. I don't have too much stuff to transfer, mostly music files, so that shouldn't take too long. My old girl is on her last legs. She is 4 1/2 years old. That is very old for a laptop. As soon as I get everything transferred, Husband said we can sell her for parts at Best Buy and get store credit or something like that. I would erase the HD and give her to a friend, but all three USB ports do not work, her battery is fried and won't work unless she is plugged in, she crashes at random points in time, and she takes 20 minutes to boot. So, I think it best to put her out of her misery and let her go to the Big Power Grid in the sky. I'm very proud of myself setting it up myself. I'm not the computer person in the family, that is Husband's job, so me doing this myself is a big deal. 

On to other things. 
************************Spoilers Ahead*****************************

So the Dr. Who Christmas special. The feels, man, the feels. I didn't know that I was going to get so attached to Matt Smith's Doctor. Seriously. It took forever for me to get over the loss of Ten and move on to Eleven, who is not actually Eleven, but Thirteen because of regeneration things with John Hurt and Ten's wanting to keep his face during "Stolen Earth". Anyhow, I did not want to like Matt Smith's Doctor. I was still grieving overt the loss of the previous and I was not ready to move on. When I finally did, I didn't want to like him. By the time Rory became a full time companion, I was hook. He wasn't my favorite, but I still loved what he brought to the roll. When Matt Smith announced his departure, I was a little sad. He was a great Doctor and I didn't think much of it. It wasn't until Peter Capaldi was announced as his replacement that I realized that I had become attached to this Doctor. I didn't want him to leave.  I wanted him to stay. He was a great Doctor and I loved him. By the time the 50th came around, I realized that this was going to be one of the last times we see him in the roll of the Doctor. I knew that the Christmas Special was going to hit me hard and I was not going to be okay with his goodbye. I'm still not completely sure about the episode and the siege of Trenzelore, but the Silence with a freaking Dalek thing coming through their heads and the Weeping Angels in the snow what beyond creepy. Crazy creepy. I still don't like Clara. But I appreciate the way they sent him off. Matt Smith's Doctor came in with a bang, quite literally since his TARDIS crashed in Amy's back yard. He was uncoordinated and spastic, the same he has been throughout his tenure. That was the only way for him to go. I was getting a bit worried when we came back and saw that he was old and announced that he was dying because there were no more regenerations left. That was saddening. I thought there for a brief moment that was going to be how he went. But, nope, the Time Lords gave him the power to regenerate more. He got up and was dancing around and went out with a bang. I was already in tears by this time. When Clara found him on the TARDIS and he came up to her, young again,  and he gave his speech, I was bawling. When Amy appeared and he dropped his bowtie on the floor, I was an inconsolable mess. He still had not changed into the next Doctor. Okaaaaay....what more do you want from me Moffat? What more do you have in store? Just as I was bracing myself for more heartache, BAM! Fasted regeneration ever, I didn't have time to process the goodbye before I was cracking up about kidney color. 

All in all, could it have been written better? Yes. Yes, it could have. But it was the proper way to say goodbye to Matt Smith and his Doctor. I look forward to seeing what Peter Capaldi has for us and I'm hoping that Clara is just...better.....I don't like her. There is just something off about her. Maybe I'm still in mourning over Amy, Rory, and River. 

Here are a few of my favorite things from this episode:

*Being naked
*Being naked at Christmas dinner
*Bald Doctor
*the Doctor playing with the kids
*Creepy Silence Daleks
*Destroying the Daleks "Love from Gallifrey, boys!"
*Amy
*Loving the new kidneys but hating the color
*How can the Doctor not know how to fly the TARDIS

"We all change. When you think about it, we're all different people all through our lives, and that's okay, that's good, you gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this. Not one day. I swear. I will always remember when the Doctor was me."

So, our fears were for naught. Brain Griffin lives. Seth MacFarlane pretty much called us all idiots for thinking that they would kill off Brian. 

I was told today that "All pain in equal" today and I'm not really sure how I feel about that. This was said to me by a gentleman who lost his father and suffered depression because of the loss, rightly so, to my dear friend who's parents, who should be in jail, committed horrible acts of abuse to her for the duration of her life. If you want to know what her mother is like, read the book A Child Called "It" by Dave Pelzer and you see a mirror image. I'm neither kidding nor exaggerating. Her mother pulled a knife on 15 year old me in front of a cop. That is how crazy she actually is. The strength that my friend has for surviving the onslaught of abuse from this woman still amazes me. I am in awe of my friend. She managed to pull herself together, put herself through school and is well on her way to a PhD D. in a degree field I have no clue how to pronounce. 
She was upset because she was going to be nice and visit her biological father over Christmas, but he did not want her to. Naturally, her feelings were hurt. She mentioned this on Facebook and that is when this dude popped up with his unwanted opinion. Granted, it was on a public forum and unwanted opinions are abundant, but what upset me the most was his blatant disregard to her feelings. He negated her feelings on the premise that her father was alive and his was not. It is devastating to lose a parent. If i lost my mother, I would not know what to do with myself, and I feel for the guy, I really do, but the loss of his father and the following depression because of that loss pales in comparison to the YEARS of abuse and torture and utter hell she suffered at the hands of her sadistic mother and sick father. At least this guy can take comfort in the fact that his father loved him. My friend can't even claim that. This guy insisted that his pain and my friend's pain are equal. I dropped the subject and told the guy that he was welcome to debate this with me through private message on Facebook and to take it off her page. 

So here is the thorn in my side, how can you compare emotional pain like that? To me, the loss of a parent or loved one can't hold a candle to torture and abuse, especially, with those who were treated the way my friend was. How can some one simply say "just  get over it" when the have no clue what the other person has to live with every day? Some pains run too deep to simply "let go". Pain is not the same. There is a spectrum. I think the problem is that most people can only comprehend the spectrum based on the worst pain they, themselves, have experienced (Thanks K!). Or maybe they don't want to try to comprehend a pain far greater then theirs. I don't know. I don't understand negating someone's experiences like that because you think the person is harping on negative events to gain attention. My friend is not an attention whore. Far from it. 

So that is my rant for the day. The guy tried to throw religion into the discussion as well, but you know me, I ignored that part. I can't stomach any form of anything from a certain religion right now because they seem to think that December is an exclusive month for members of their faith.  

M, I will say it again, you matter, you have value, and you are loved. Fuck all the naysayers. 

I was going to write about last night's Ravens/Vikings game and how amazing the last two minutes of the game was, but as I'm sitting here in Barns & Noble/Starbucks Cafe, I just had a bad experience and my focus has now changed. 

I don't understand the need to be mean to other people for the sake of being mean. It is a cold day out. It snowed last night the weather gods decided to top that with a layer of ice. It is cold. I'm wearing jeggings under my jeans, (Jean-ception!) a sweater under my Batman jacket, a bright pink scarf that I bought today because I fell in love with it, a pair of pink variegated finger-less gloves, and a fuzzy soft, grey hat with a really big blue fuzzy ball on top, that I fell in love with today. So, yeah, I don't match, but at least I am warm. That is the important thing, right? I meet with my NaNo group on Monday nights and I'm usually the first on here because I live the closest and can nab us a table with a plug. 

I came in grabbed the table with the plug in the floor and go to order a drink and food. Peppermint Hot Chocolate and a lemon bar. Yum! There were two guys sitting at the table next to me, around late high school to early college age, but leaning more towards the late high school. They were sitting there with notebooks, writing. I didn't pay much attention to them, until I hear them mention my scarf and how stupid it is. I get my food and sit down. They think they are clever by whispering, but I can hear everything they are saying. They are not making any effort to conceal the fact they are making fun of everything about me, from my hat, to my weight, to my older computer, to my bag, to my "ugly face". At one point they were debating if I were with anyone. I still have my gloves on so my wedding band is hidden.  They said that they should come over and cum on my lemon bar because that is probably the only sperm my body will ever get. Seriously? Seriously? I pretty much ignore them, or at least try to, but still, it is hurtful. There is not point! I do not know these boys and they do not know me, so why did they decide, out of all the people in the Starbucks Cafe to pick on me? What makes me such an easy target? 

I know many of you would say, "They are just being stupid, they are just words, don't let it get to you." That is easy to say but it is not easy to do. I've spent years, YEARS of my life being tormented by bullies to the point that I have extreme social anxiety. It took me a year to actually get up the courage to join the NaNo group on Monday nights. My first try did not go so well. I was so anxious that I left at the beginning. 

My childhood was hell in itself. I lived with my grandparents who chain smoked and I always smelled. I had a chipped tooth from the time I was seven to when my mom took me to get it fixed at thirteen. I was overweight because I emotionally ate. I had no friends. We lived in a very small town in Texas. That was about the time "Clueless" came out and since we were too poor to afford designer clothing, I was teased. I was a geek. I loved Star Trek and books. I was in the higher classes and I was talented at playing the saxophone. Naturally, I became the butt of all the jokes. 

There was a time where a girl's mom invited me to a birthday party. The girl did not want me there, so she changed the time on the invitation. So, I showed up at the party and no one was there. I thought there had been a mistake. I asked her about it the next day as I gave her the gift and she told me what she did, loudly, in front of all her friends. They thought it was funny that I was crying. She threw the gift, a talking Barbie, back at me telling me that she didn't want such a cheap, trashy gift. 

When I was in sixth grade, I was so good at playing the sax that I was the only one, in the entire band, that was chosen for all county band. The only place I had to practice was in a small room. I can't tell you how many times they locked me in there. They thought it was funny I guess. The light switch was on the outside. There was one day I was trapped in the room for the entire day. The school did nothing. It was a "kids are kids" policy. Had it been today, they all would have been suspended and I would have been able to press charges on them. That is, partly, where my claustrophobia comes from. 

The torment was so bad that, at twelve, I decided to move in with my mother. I couldn't take it any longer. I was pulled out of class during band. They had to nerve to try to be nice to me about leaving. I call them all stupid nasty bitches and told them I hated them. They teacher tried to reprimand me, but there was nothing they could do because I was already pulled out of school. 

Things were better for a little bit. We moved from Texas to Ft. Meade, Maryland. I actually had friends for two years before we moved again to the school where I graduated. 

Again, I was teased because I was not as rich at the other students, but at least they did not torment me. They teased me for not having a BMW or and Audi, but they weren't mean. I just didn't fit in the cliques. Most of my problems stemmed from issues at home thanks to my mom's ex-douche bag. 

But still, I look at the news today at the children who were driven to suicide because they were bullied to the point where they don't see a way out. I will admit, I have been there on several occasions, but something told me to keep going that it will get better. It has for the most part. Thankfully, society is starting to take a stance on it and stop enabling the bullies and standing up the the victims. The "sticks and stones" mantra doesn't work. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words have the power to shatter a soul. They stick with you, forever, and do far more damage than sticks and stones ever could. 

Have you ever been so irritated by a person that you just want to punch them so hard that they fall in a pile of mud and while they are in pile of mud, you pour warm caramel and sugar on them so the ants will attack them? That is where I am today. Maybe it is PMS, I'm not throwing out that possibility, but seriously, the urge to punch some one is growing exponentially. It started with me being kind to some one and that some one turn into, pretty much a creepy stalker. He invites himself everywhere, including trying to invite himself to my family's Thanksgiving and my vacation to North Carolina. I'm going down with my best friend to visit my other best friend, actually they are more like sisters now since it has been so long, but where does he get off trying to come with me after we have only known each other less than a year? And then he wants to get pissy with me about it? It doesn't work that way, sweetheart. My girls have YEARS on you. I had to set boundaries because he wanted to hang out all the time. I'm really close to losing my temper and it is not going to be pretty. He is emotionally fragile as is, and I am one of his only friends, which makes him hold on tighter, but I can't do clingy and creepy. Once my temper goes, I know I'm going to be doing damage to an already fragile psyche, which makes me not want to, but nothing I say, no boundaries I set, is getting through. 

Another thing, just because I'm writing a story, does NOT mean I'm going to have it published anytime soon, and it doesn't mean I want people to read it at this stage. I have not completed the first draft, much less edited in any form or fashion, so why the hell would I let people read the unpolished project. There are precious few people I would even semi-trust to read it to help with the editing process, (five people actually, who are the most trusted people in my life). I'm not going to let Joe Smoe read my unfinished product. You can read it if and when it is on a bookshelf. Getting crabby with me in the middle of Panera because I told you "No, you can't read my book because I don't know you. You can read it when it is published." is not endearing yourself to me. And who asks that to a random stranger? Seriously! You see the NaNo sticker on my laptop and strike up a conversation about how you did NaNo a few years ago but never finished then ask if you can read my story? You have lost your mind, lady. 

Last Rant: HOA

Can some one, please, explain the need for an HOA? I hate ours. I rent a townhouse, but our HOA is causing all sorts of problems. They are a group of bitter old women who want to have a neighbor hood full of small dogs, no children, and quiet. Not gonna happen. They like to have secret meetings, which is illegal, to vote on policies, which is illegal, that increase our fees without any notice, which is illegal, providing no transparency with the budget, which is illegal, and provide no minutes from previous meetings, which is illegal. They tell the children in our neighborhood that they can't ride their bikes on the street, which is not a through street. Then they tell the children they are not allowed to ride their bikes on the sidewalk. Also, sidewalk chalk is not allowed, as is any yelling or screaming of any sort. The children are not allowed to play on the open grassy areas in the back or allowed to climb the trees. I don't exactly know what they want the children to do other than stay in the house all the time. Thankfully, a few of the younger neighbors decided to read the bylaws and they discovered that they are allowed to hold a vote to (a) vote people out of positions and (b) vote new people in. What a coup that was! The younger neighbor has a two year old and was one of the ones that received a warning about the sidewalk chalk. Seriously? Children and sidewalk chalk go hand in hand. I decided to protest that myself and drew all sorts of things on my steps and path leading up to my door. Anyhow, the younger neighbor came up to me, told me what he was planning to do and gave me a petition to sign. I read his MO. It was basic really. They wanted full transparency of the budget, which the HOA is supposed to provide anyhow. They wanted minutes from the previous meetings for the past two years, which is something the HOA is supposed provide at any moment. They also wanted to make the neighborhood a bit more kid friendly. We have several children in our area ranging from toddler to teenager. The younger neighbor thought it would be a good idea to look into making the grassy area in the back a play area with a playground and possibly some place to ride bikes. That solves many of the issues. It gives them a safe place to play. It gets them out of the street. Just basic thing that the stupid HOA has refused to provide. Why are the fee increasing? When the fees increase, my rent increases. It affects me. I think it is great that we have a landscaping service that takes care of everything, albeit at 8am, but still, I don't have rake leaved or mow the small patch of grass I have in front of my townhouse. The old ladies did not like this, of course, so they went from house to house trying to gather support. Not gonna work very well since most of the people have children. 

Oh, and to the old biddy that complains against my lab. My lab is nice and loves people, especially children. She is well behaved and well taken care of. She will sit on command, stay, and lay on her side so the kids can pet her. She likes to play ball with the younger children. You have a nasty ankle biter who hates people and have tried to bite me and other people in the neighborhood several times. You have to warn people to stay back from your dog or they will get bitten. I have to warn people that they will get a face full of kisses. You honestly think that you non-socialized terror of a dog is better than mine? Bitch please.