The depression and the insomnia were getting really difficult to manage so I went to my doctor. Well, okay, I went to my doctor because I had a UTI and needed antibiotics, but that is beside the point. She fussed at me because I hadn't been into visiting her in a while. I hadn't been on the insomnia meds in over a year, my anxiety was really terrible, and my asthma was out of control. I didn't realize how bad my anxiety was until she put me on meds. So here is a run down of everything I am currently on:
1. Singulair- one pill a day for asthma. I have to take it at night because it makes me sick to my stomach. I hate it.
2. Multi-vitamin- one gi-freaking-normous pill in the morning. It has important B vitamins and is formulated for women. She recommended this because I'm over 30 and need extra stuff. I could also take a pre-natal since is has better stuff. Don't get excited. They do wonderful things to my hair and nails and work better than a regular vitamin. They are just crazy expensive. I'll switch once my other ones run out.
3. Cranberry pills- I bought these to help with the UTI before I went in for the antibiotic. She wants me to continue to take them. Apparently, once you have one, you run the risk of them recurring. No, thank you. That was freaking miserable.
4. Zyrtec- allergy meds because allergies.
5. Advair- two puffs, twice a day. I really hate this stuff for several reasons. It leaves my mouth feeling really gross and dry. Even after I rinse my mouth out really well, I can still feel the powder on my tongue and roof of my mouth. It makes my voice sound really odd. I have a difficult time talking because it sounds like I'm congested all the time. I can't even sing. I love to sing and I'm so off key that I almost started crying. Finally, I found out today that it is not covered by my insurance. Thankfully, I have HSA to pay for the $415 for this stupid stuff. I have an appointment in a week and we can rethink the Advair. I really hate it.
6. Zoloft- 50mg pill of the anti-depressant. This has been wonderful. My moods have evened out and I am not as anxious as I used to be. Like, things that would normally send me in a panic, I'm just like, “Okay. Cool. What can we do to fix this? Nothing? Okay. Cool. No worries.” I'm like Marlin in Finding Nemo. In the beginning, he was a spaz and by the end he was chill. That is me right now. I want to stay on this. I had no idea that my anxiety was out of control. We also think that could be adding to the insomnia. Honestly, I think it may be. It is easier to shut down my mind and fall asleep.
7. Seroquel- I take 4 pills that are 50mg each and they are extended release. The extended release part is causing me problems. I get really bad dizzy spells randomly. At least that is my theory. I seem to be okay with four pills. We started with two and she told me that I could go up to four. I still have problems getting tired, but it seems that when I actually lay down, I can fall asleep in less than an hour. Do you have any idea how wonderful that is? It usually takes me 2-3 hours to fall asleep and that is after no caffeine after 4 pm, no sugar after 5, meditation, etc. Being able to fall asleep in half and hour is amazing. And I stay asleep, mostly. When I do wake up, I can fall right back to sleep. The only draw back is it makes me so freaking groggy. I have to wake up in stages. It is really hard for me to get up before 9 am. If I don't get to sleep off the meds, I am a zombie.
Another problem I am having is my lack of focus or my hyper focus. My ADD is really bad. Worse than it has ever been. I think with the suppression of other things, my ADD is free to run rampant. I find myself zoning out and staring into space for minutes at a time. It has been easier to pull myself out of these things, but there at the beginning, it was awful. I was watching a movie. I zoned out at the beginning, and “woke up” at the end. I have no recollection of that time lost. Thankfully, I was on my couch and not driving. I haven't really been okay to drive recently. So Husband has to pick up the slack. He is okay with that. I don't want to cause an accident before I level out. If I take the Seroquel, I will not drive at all. The other thing I hate is being sick to my stomach. One of the pills makes me sick. I hate it, but it is what it is. I think the pros outweigh the cons. I'm still leveling out and learning to deal with the other side effects. We will see where we are next month.
So this is where I am right now. If I disappear it is because of my depression. I have good days and I have bad days. I am very grateful for my friends that understand and don't treat me like I'm a nutcase. They understand and support. Jules, Nicole (both of you), Kate, Julie, Layne, Rosie, Nelle, Carrie, Tam, Melissa, Jamie....thank you all for listening, especially Jules and Kate. You have been an amazing support and I can't think you enough. Bear with me. I'm getting there.