Synonyms are as follows: Neurotic depression, dysthymic disorder, chronic depression, persistent depressive disorder
So why am I giving you a vocabulary test? This is a new term that was given to me by my therapist. After evaluating me, this is now my diagnosis. So not Bipolar 2. I don’t get it. I mean, I’m getting to the point where I’m thinking nobody knows what they are talking about. My therapist says that Kaiser jumped too quickly to the Bipolar diagnosis based on the ridiculous medications (THAT I DON’T FUCKING NEED) I was put on by previous doctors. I should have been diagnosed with this in my teenage years, but my mother and her asshole were convinced I was being a drama queen. Instead of the issue being managed, I was left to suffer in silence. Drama queen? No. I have an actual mental illness. Thanks, Mom. I have been depressed for so long that my brain chemistry has changed. We won’t go into the officially diagnosed PTSD. My anxiety stems from that. Even my sleeping issues are part of the PTSD. Growing up, I never had a good night’s sleep. My grandmother would get mad at my grandfather for something and a fight would break out. Loudly. At 2 am. Or better yet, getting pulled out of bed in the middle of the night by one of my mother’s assholes for something I did wrong. I was pulled out of bed once, in high school, for putting a fork upside down in the dishwasher. I had to unload and reload the dishwasher for an hour. So I’m always on guard. I can’t relax. It doesn’t matter that I know that will never happen again. You can’t get over trauma that easily. I just wish, for once, I was normal. No nightmares. No anxiety. I just want some peace. Is that too much to ask?
I’m not posting this for a pity party. I know I have a fair few friends that have depression and anxiety issues as well. I understand you guys, more than you know. People are all like, “oh you are so strong for going through all that”. I NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAD TO BE STRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE! I don’t want to be strong. I just want to be able to have a day without any form of depression, anxiety, or panic attack from a trigger. I’m just….tired. So very tired. I’m tired of not being interested in activities. I’m tired of cancelling events with friends because my anxiety is so bad. I’m tired of always thinking that my friends are mad at me for no reason. I’m tired of not being able to take a shower because I have no energy. I’m tired of spending days in bed, staring at the wall and ceiling because I can’t get out of bed. I’m tired of the crying. I’m tired of the panic attacks. I’m tired of being tired. I’m just tired. I’m so very tired. But I get up, every day. I fight every day. I refuse to let my past win. I refuse to let those who hurt me win. I fight for my husband who really, truly loves me. Never in my life have I had that much love. He is my smile. I fight for my siblings. I love them all with all my heart. I fight for my nephew. That kid is the apple of my eye. I fight. And I fight. And I fight. I will always keep fighting.
I will never stop fighting no matter how tired I am.